Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash
The topics of self-care and being a “friend to yourself” were hitting a peak around the time I was leaving high school for college. One of my first-year mandatory seminars was about the importance of mental health, accessing school therapists, and building a network of trusted peers and adults to count on. It all seemed trivial to me, someone who had yet to struggle with the darkness that my mind could conjure to torture me.
In retrospect, maybe I should’ve paid better attention. That same year, I experienced several depressive episodes and my first panic attack. I felt completely unable to control where my mind was headed. Being away for college, I was the furthest from family, and all of my creature comforts for the very first time. In retrospect, I was so poorly prepared for those first few months. I simply couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. Others were going to freshman mixers and socializing and settling into classes, and I was floating through a haze that only I could see.
Fortunately, my hall advisor in my first year suggested counseling sessions. I hated the numbness that seemed to permeate everything I did, and I figured I had nothing to lose. I’m proud of that Princy because she steeled herself and had the courage to go in and talk about the vulnerabilities she never thought she’d put on display. Because of her, I’m here, healthier, and thankful. Over time, classes, friendships, work-study, and life just seemed to make more sense to me. I started to enjoy those things that I couldn’t before, and I was just appreciative. I found myself thankful that grass grew in between sidewalk cracks.
Can you imagine? But when you experience depression, you’ll understand the tunnel vision that can sometimes blind you to these things. I was beginning to see the world for its beautiful simplicity. Of course, days where I took 4 steps forward, were followed by ones where I slipped and tumbled 10 steps back. But each day since choosing to fight for my mental health has been easier, and the harder days have become few and far between.
I am writing this post, not to brag about the progress I have made or to be toxically positive. No one wants to hear “You can do it! I did it! Let’s all do it! Everything is just great! Just do it!”. These have simply been some hard lessons that I want to document and have for my little corner of the Internet to feel hope in and for others to use as a resource in their own journey. Hopefully, hearing these things preps you a little more for whatever struggle you are facing or have yet to face. I want these truths to be transparent and something that will help you to realize there is more to life on the other side of your mental illness.
1. No one can help you until you make a decision that you’re going to fight for yourself. Listen to the voice inside you, the one that wants you to be well.
This can be a hard fact to take in, especially for my early twenties group! This is such a transitionary period. You go from high schooler to adult to college graduate in such quick succession. And no one tells you what it means to be your own motivator. No one is waking you up for school anymore, or taking you to doctor’s appointments. You are expected to be making what seems like life-altering decisions and for me, it was really overwhelming.
I remember calling my mom from school one day and telling her I wanted to come home. I needed a break. And while she didn’t encourage dropping out of school, she was receptive to the pain and listened to the way that I was feeling. At the end of my rant, she asked me, “Princy, if you could have such an open conversation with me about how you’re feeling, why can’t you extend yourself the same courtesy and be open and honest with your feelings? Listen to yourself and believe what you hear.”
After that, I started listening to myself. I knew that I needed help and to take care of my health. Once you find yourself listening to your needs, you’ll know how to ask for help and seek resources for your mental health. But you have to make the decision to listen to yourself. You have to fight for yourself because no one else can help you do that.
2. Not every “typical” milestone is going to be your goal.
You always hear that after a certain number of therapy sessions or a certain number of support group sessions, you’ll achieve this or that milestone and be making clear, undeniable progress. This is hardly the case and unlike anything I experienced. I didn’t spill my guts in peer groups or in therapy. I didn’t wake up magically cured of my depression one day. When my panic attacks occurred, I felt like I was ruining the progress I had made in trying to improve my mental health. It was really some of the most isolating moments of my life.
My milestones were smaller, personal goals that I relished in accomplishing. Maybe it was making it to breakfast or fitting in a workout. Anything that stopped me from the overwhelming feeling of a racing mind or a depressive state were achievements to me. And eventually, the more of those things that I could accomplish and the more community that I built up, the less I felt pulled into those overwhelming thoughts. My goals were tailor-made to those things I knew I could accomplish. Progressively overloading those accomplishments helped me to pave a path to my mental wellness.
3. Everything will always be alright in the end, and if it isn’t, it’s not the end.
Read that again! I heard this quote the other day and did a double-take. I felt it summed up some of the things I had to learn by living through the dark depression. In the thick of it, nothing feels like it will ever be good again. And I completely understand that, but it’s a lie. There is always something to live for, something to look forward to, and something to be alive for.
Even if it’s as little as being happy about the grass between the sidewalks, the truth is, that’s enough. Small happiness can compound and be like a seed in your mind when all you want to do is give in to the depression. Even if you can’t see it now, there is an ending where you are healthier, stronger and a better person for having gone through what you’re going through. Keep fighting for that ending because you deserve it.
