Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash
Living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has always been a whirlwind experience for me. Some days are spent in agony, some days I softly laugh at myself, and some days are filled with empathy and connection. I pride myself on the work I’ve done to manage a lot of my symptoms and prioritize my healing. But as we all know, as much as we would like to, we can’t always plan for every setback. When the pandemic hit life was flipped upside down. As a result, I felt like I was reinventing the wheel and I had to learn how to start fresh.
The Early Impact
In March, the impact COVID would make was unpredictable. Before the first wave of shelter-in-place orders, I made a last-minute decision to leave my life in Minnesota and move back to Illinois to live with my family. I was really numb to the process, but I needed to be in an environment where I felt safe to heal. This was a move I made in the name of survival and mental health. So before the reality of COVID even hit me, I was already transitioning out of the survival mode I’d been in for quite some time.
Despite the omnipresence of OCD in my life, no major symptoms were showing up — yet. In fact, it wasn’t until a few months into lockdown that I started to experience heavy doses of intrusive thoughts. I remember one morning I woke up with an intense bout of anxiety, which I referred to as one of my “morning cyclers”. Extremely disturbing sexual thoughts flooded my brain and I couldn’t shut them off no matter how hard I tried. The mental pain was agonizing and exhausting. I reached out to a friend who I knew through the OCD community and said, “Please help me. I am stuck and scared.” That one act completely catapulted my life toward the path of healing.
Finding My Voice Through Community
Through this friend, a myriad of OCD resources was sent my way. I attended sessions at the International OCD Foundation’s virtual conference. I met other survivors on social media and we started doing advocacy work together. These events inspired me to write about my experiences with OCD and work with others who understood what I was going through. I started going to therapy again, and best of all, I joined a weekly virtual peer support group.
The weekly support group is still something very consistent and important to me. I cherish the hour I get to talk about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, regarding my experiences with mental health. This group of online strangers turned into my trusted community. These were some of the first people to whom I could reveal some of the insidious intrusive thoughts I was experiencing. We laugh, we cry and we heal together.
Finding My Online Community
Finding my online community saved my life, and that is not an exaggeration. I am a social person who craves connection. Not being able to see as many people in person this year took a toll on my mental health. However, having folks who understand how debilitating it can be battling your own thoughts is truly something I do not take for granted. The online support I have received through my advocacy work, my writing, and my healing is all special and impactful to me.
Dealing with a very scary and exhausting global pandemic plus an all-consuming mental disorder is not an easy feat; it can feel very isolating and dismal. What I learned about being social during COVID is that creativity and adaptability can lead to forming incredibly meaningful connections. Feeling seen and heard is a life-changing experience especially when the world feels dark and scary. I am so grateful for the people, in-person and virtually, who listen and share words of affirmation and encouragement.
Focusing on What I Can Control
During COVID, instead of getting worked up over what I can’t control, I have reminded myself that others are feeling the exact same way. I am kind to myself and accept my intrusive thoughts as just that: thoughts. This isn’t always easy, but the more I practice the better I feel it can one day become second nature.
With a new wave of changes coming around the corner, I’ve made sure I have a tool kit of resources in my back pocket. My weekly OCD peer support group is something I’m committed to attending. I go to virtual therapy sessions. I am working on communicating honestly to those I care about. And I am learning more and more every day that my voice and story matters, that my experiences are valid. Though my journey with OCD is not over, the road to recovery is becoming more accessible, even when it feels like the entire world is shut down.
