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To me, it feels like a common question that is asked and inadvertently has been set to “define” me is, “what do you do?” The question is always in reference to a job. Although, I could just say, “I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night.” But instead, I scrape together some answer that hides the fact that my college career took an abnormal turn due to my illness so I graduated a year plus a summer later than the traditional 4-year plan and I’ve had to go through numerous obstacles in finding my career path due to my illness. The “what do you do?” question triggers the “what’s your job?” and for me, the job situation has never been on solid ground.
Since being diagnosed in 2015, I have had two part-time jobs and four full-time jobs. I have had part-time jobs turn into full-time jobs. I have been fired from jobs because of what I would later know to be manic symptoms. I have been out on medical leave and then quit jobs. Essentially, each job was different; I worked in retail or paralegal/admin legal work. However, as time has passed and I’ve experienced more of life in the workplace with a mental illness, so my knowledge of how things work has increased but also my worry has increased. I currently started a new job this week and while the structure of my day is great, I’m not sure if it’s the best fit for me.
Before entering the workforce, in my college career, I had a set-structure in my environment by my university and my coaches. I was a part of an athletic team so I had team practices and meetings to attend each day. I had meetings with an athletic academic advisor to ensure I was keeping up with my classes and given tutors if I was falling behind or felt I needed extra attention. I was given advice on which classes to take and which not to take. There are breaks built into semesters and breaks between semesters. The structure of college even allowed for easy planning like when to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner or what time to wake up and when to go to sleep.
Work is different. There are so many things to take into account. How far do I want to commute? How will I commute? Do I want to work in a small office? These offices generally do not have large HR support. Do I want a larger corporation with a large overseeing HR department? Is there health insurance? Does the health insurance cover what I need? Is it a PPO or an HMO? What is the distance between my therapist and psychiatrist’s office to my work? Will I be able to still get to see my providers as frequently as I need to? Is this job triggering? Is it going to be overwhelming? Will I have a positive community of people? Will I be eating lunch alone? Do I want to eat lunch alone? Will I even pack a lunch or should I bring? Is the dress code more casual or laid back? Do I want to dress up every day? Are the people [there] the people who I could see myself getting along with? If I suddenly become ill, who will take over my work for me? If I have to go to the hospital, what would that process be like? These are all things I should and do need to think about.
Right now, I just ended my first week working at a very small legal office in a suburb of Boston. I took the job on an impulse. I have a stress fracture in my foot due to overtraining for half marathons and I was weaning myself off of the retail job that I held for 6 months after my summer hospitalization. I felt desperate to get back into corporate America as I had nothing to do for most of February, I was not making money, my friends were preoccupied with their own jobs during the day and I was unable to fill my days with exercise, which I would have loved to do.
In hindsight, when the job was offered to me on the spot, I should not have agreed at that moment but asked for time to think about it. I was in emotion mind. My emotions were telling me that I needed the structure of going to a place every day and having responsibilities. But after the first week, I can think of more negatives than positives and it all revolves around my mental health and keeping up with my personal healthy lifestyle.
I do not have health insurance through my company. The office is very small so I am always sitting alone in the center of the office and I enjoy having the company of someone near me, even if we are silently doing our own work. I have to commute out of the city to a neighborhood I do not know and a neighborhood that does not serve any purpose, such as having a grocery store or gym for me to benefit from. The way of public transportation to get there is further than I would like to travel but I do it. The commute to my health care team, which is in Cambridge, is not ideal at all.
And with that being said, I have begun to start looking for jobs again. As much as it’s going to crush me to quit a job after a few weeks, it’s for the best of my health and well-being.
The more experience I have in the workforce, the more I am starting to learn what suits me and what does not. I think it’s smart for me, moving forward, to create a list of things that are non-negotiable. I’m very good at talking myself into things on the spot, but as reality sets in, I cannot deny when things don’t feel right. Investing your time in a job is a huge deal and it’s not something that I should have done on a whim. For now, I’m just looking at it as a learning experience and a nice transition for when the right job does come along that will be a healthier fit for my needs.
