Photo by Lakeisha Bennett on UnSplashÂ
Hope is the thing with feathers.
Hope Helps Me Win the War
After hitting rock bottom again these past few weeks, seeing a future for myself has been impossible. Without hope, life becomes a lot more dreary. We crave an escape at these profound moments because we just want the pain to go away. When there seems to be no end in sight, life seems hopeless. I have been at this point so many times throughout my life and it is not an easy place to be at. Suicidal ideation is still present for me in these moments. It is an endless war.
Hope Helps Me Live
As most of us know by now, recovery is not linear. One day we will finally fly freely. Until that day, we must fight the urges to give in, no matter how strong they are. I continuously hear a voice in my mind that tells me that I am not good enough. This voice is the voice of my “mother,” not me. I try to silence it but it still overpowers me at times and this is when the suicidal ideation is strongest. Hope seems nonexistent at these times, as if nothing can or ever will get better. I struggle to battle this unending war but hope helps me live on.
Light Brings Hope
One thing that I have been struggling a lot with lately is being expected to be an adult now that I am a college student. I always was the adult in my “family” due to the abusive and neglectful childhood I endured. I had to grow up fast and never had the chance to be a kid. Now I want nothing more than to be a kid. Being loved as a child is loved by their parents is something I have always longed for and now crave more than anything as I grow into this adult role. I feel so misunderstood in this world because of this need. It is an immense pain that often leaves me defeated and longing for someone to understand.
After hitting an extreme low these past few weeks, I finally have found some light again in my life. After a counseling session, I was able to realize that I have suicidal thoughts because I want the pain to end, not because I actually want to die. Deep down I knew this but to actually have it voiced aloud put things into focus for me. Even amid the darkness, hope is the light that lives on.
Hope Is the Thing with Feathers
I realized that fear and pain have been preventing me from moving on with my life. There are so many dreams and hopes that I have for my life but I need to fight for me if I want them to come true. As I fight for me, I am also fighting for justice as my abusers still walk free. I will no longer give them power over me because I am finally choosing to work towards fighting for my freedom, safety and happiness. I matter. It has been so difficult for me to know this—but I do matter and have always mattered. By taking back my life, justice will be served and with justice, I will finally be able to fly. Hope is real and truly is the thing with feathers.
