Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Ending An Abusive Relationship
The end of my abusive relationship was like stepping out of a strange nightmare. The morning after, I felt as if my previous life from ten months earlier was simply resuming and everything in between happened to someone else — not me.
He was a typical prince charming at first. He was one of the smartest people I’d ever met, or so I thought. I received flowers every single Wednesday morning. He was “different”, well-traveled, and endlessly curious.
Rebuilding My Life
But it was a facade. Once I was hooked, the Wednesday flowers disappeared and were replaced with mind games and hours spent fighting about problems that didn’t exist.
When I got out, all I wanted was my old life back. But there were changes that would take years to reverse. My best friend was no longer in my life, my relationship with my parents had deteriorated, and the few friends I had left were furious with me. (All of my friends were girls of course — guy friends were not allowed in this relationship.)
I had also lost any sense of confidence. I had no goals for my future and felt pathetic in every sense of the word. According to him, I was dumb, self-centered, and mentally unstable. What could I possibly feel proud of? I looked in the mirror on that first day of freedom and was shocked to see a fearful young woman I never thought I would become.
Putting It Back Together
When I started to put my life back together, a thousand fears raced through my head. How could I possibly rebuild friendships when I turned my back on people who only wanted to love me? Could my parents ever forgive me for bringing such a terrible person into our lives? And what about my future?
I had developed so many unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms. Any man I chose to love would be bound to the toxic traits I’d undoubtedly carry with me for the rest of my life.
Despite my worries, weeks passed and I slowly got better. I found joy in school again and was reading more than I ever had. I booked a vacation with one of the friends who stuck by me. I went to museums and restaurants and made new friends.
Compared to the darkness I had lived under, regular life felt like heaven on earth. Simple things like coffee in the morning and going grocery shopping filled me with joy. I still wondered if I could ever rebuild the person I was supposed to be before my abusive relationship.
I can honestly say it’s not possible. My relationships will always require extra effort to make sure I don’t return to toxic habits. I still have post-traumatic stress symptoms, like seeing his face in a crowd or shaking when his name is brought up in a group of old high school friends. I’m also a little too cautious and cynical in relationships.
Shaping My Future
But those little burdens I carry with me are worth the woman I have become instead.
I’m more confident in my opinions and beliefs because I worked so hard to rebuild my self-trust. I can spot red flags in a relationship almost immediately and I don’t settle for anything less than absolute kindness and respect. And I’m so strong now. I trust that I will take care of myself and never let someone take advantage of me again.
My high school best friend is once again by my side. My relationship with my parents has never been so loving and fulfilling. And I’m dating a man who gives me unconditional respect and support. So even though I wasn’t able to recreate the life I would have had, I’d choose the woman I am now every time.
Getting Help
I’m incredibly lucky. When I was in an abusive relationship, I was young enough to bounce back quickly and I got out after only ten months.
Others aren’t so fortunate. Some women and men marry their abusive partner or even have children with them. They’re isolated from their family and friends for years.
Please don’t let this be you. If you see any reflection of your life in these words, this is your sign to leave as fast as you can. If the person you’re with makes you doubt yourself or feel like you can’t do anything right, please leave.
I know it’s scary, but I promise life on the other side is more spectacular than you can dream.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
