Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash
The Before
Living with suicidal ideation is extremely difficult. Being easily triggered is the worst part. Negative thoughts always find a way into my mind, no matter the circumstance. I have been in and out of hospitals for suicidal ideation and suicide attempts since I was 13. It has been a vicious cycle of returning, leaving, and waiting for the next stay. I am mentally exhausted and feel defeated, but I am a survivor. I am still here, fighting each day even after being close to death. God has kept me here for a reason, and I intend to discover it. Even though I have my faith, living with these thoughts is a constant battle. When you have little strength to fight each day but keep on fighting, be proud of yourself. It is a tremendous victory.
The Current
I wish it were different. If I could wake up one day and appreciate life for what it is, I would be the happiest person out there. I wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain I feel as I battle depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have been searching for an easy fix all my life, but still have not found one.
Despite my longing for an easier battle, I have discovered that I need to live through the battle I am facing rather than avoid it. It is easy to ignore or push the feelings I am experiencing aside, but I have not gotten better by doing this. I want to truly live rather than just survive. The question is, how do I do this when I am battling chronic suicidal thoughts? The answer has been unclear for a very long time, but now I am finally starting to see the truth a bit more each day.
The Truth
Focusing on the bigger picture has been helping me manage my suicidal ideation. Rather than focusing on the now, I picture what is to come. This can go one of two ways for an anxious person: seeing the negativity of the future or seeing the positivity. I choose to focus on the things that can go right. It all comes down to mindset.
I do recognize that this is easier said than done. I am nowhere near where I need to be with mindset. A lot of personal growth still needs to occur. I am taking a few baby steps each day, slowly progressing towards this goal. No matter how small the steps are, progress is still progress. They matter!
The First Step
The initial “baby step” that is helping me tremendously is picturing what would happen if I followed through with my suicidal thoughts. I try to imagine how my loved ones would react, and what their lives would be like afterward. I place myself in their shoes by asking myself how I would feel if they committed suicide. By doing so, I realize that I cannot give the pain I am feeling (which may even be more profound) to the ones I love. Reminding myself of this keeps me going. The last thing I want to do is hurt the ones I love.
Placing myself in this vision helps me continue fighting. It gives me the courage to reach out when I am struggling, even though it is a scary thing to do. I have learned that I do not want to act on these thoughts, because I would be depriving the world of the gift of me. The difference I am here to make will not be made if I take my life. I choose to make that difference.
The After
Managing suicidal thoughts is in no way easy, especially when one has lived with them for a while. It may be hard to recognize that the future has happiness and love in store for you. Being stuck in negative feelings is a hard place to escape from. I have been there, and I still am. Making it through each day is far from easy. I am proud of you for making it this far.
The Past
I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on how far you have come. Think back to a day you remember feeling overwhelmed, as if your world was ending.
The Present
Now recognize that you survived that terrible day you were thinking of. You made it past one of the worst days of your life, and you will continue to make it past the others. Here you are, alive even when the fight has proven difficult. You are a born survivor and you can make it through this present difficultly too. I believe in you. Now it is time to believe in you. And if you ever need to ask for help, remember that by doing so you are making the difference you are meant to make by ensuring the gift of you. Please remember that you are needed and your world loves you!
