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COVID-19 has been strenuous in many marriages. For starters, it’s a high-stress environment, and no one is performing at their best. Being in constant, close proximity to your spouse allows you to see these stress-induced flaws up close. In fact, things that you used to love about them become annoying simply because you’re stressed and cooped up.
The circumstances of COVID-19 also put pressure on the three most argued topics in marriage: money, sex, and kids. You might be arguing about how to spend money after losing your job(s), whether or not to home-school your kids this year, or about how physically intimate you want to be given the social distancing guidelines.
In China, there was a sudden and large surge of divorce applications after coming out of lockdown. We will likely see a similar trend in America, but I would encourage you to not jump to divorce. Just because you are fighting does not necessarily mean that your marriage is falling apart. What you do after the fight determines the outcome. Do you become critical or defensive or do you openly communicate and show your appreciation for the other person?
It is almost always a good idea to reset things with a romantic gesture. There are many ways to do that, but Gary Chapman, the developer of the Five Love Languages, suggests that you do so in the way your spouse receives love best. That may be physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, or receiving gifts. If you aren’t sure, take a quiz together.
However, romantic gestures and date nights can be a challenge when you are stuck with your kids under stay-at-home orders. So, for each of the love languages, I have come up with ideas for kid-friendly date night as well as some tips to show your love and appreciation for them throughout the week.
Physical Touch: Take Online Ballroom Dancing Classes
Physical touch can be a challenging love language to have under social distancing rules. It might be especially straining if you have chosen to social distance with your spouse because one of you is an essential needs worker and or the other is a high-risk individual.
For your date, I suggest that you take online ballroom dance classes together. You can learn as a family by watching YouTube videos or taking virtual classes through a dance studio. Ballroom dancing (especially Latin styles) is adaptable to your circumstances. You can touch by being “in frame” or you can have an “open position” where you hold hands, a rag, or nothing at all.
If you have children, they can partner with each other or each learns their desired part on their own beside you. It’s a good activity to relieve some of your kids’ energy, and if they enjoy it, it could be something they could do to keep busy by themselves later.
Most ballroom dance styles have a romantic or sensual aspect to them that could make both of you think less about each other’s annoying habits and more about how you are attracted to the other person. Additionally, learning something new can be awkward, bringing about humor or highlighting your strengths as a team.
Even if you don’t end up physically touching your partner for health reasons, I still think it will be encouraging to your partner to do something physical together and see promise for another way to have physical touch in the future.
Tips: Touch your partner when you can whether that be a hand on the shoulder in passing, cuddling on the couch, or excitedly hugging them when they find a bottle of hand sanitizer. If you choose to stay physically distant try to show the ways that you want to be physically affectionate. This might look like blowing kisses, air hugging, or leaving Hersey’s kisses with a note saying “I miss kissing you, but for now, these will have to do.”
Words of Affirmation: Leave Notes in a Path to a Picnic
Affirmations can look like compliments (i.e. “You’re a great cook!”) or an encouragement (i.e. “This is delicious! You did a great job with dinner.”). So for your date night idea, I suggest you write a bunch of these affirmations on sticky notes and stick them in a path that leads to a picnic. Your kids can have a fun time picking the location for the picnic (i.e living room or backyard) and decorating with blankets, flowers, stuffed animals, etc.
Since your partner receives love by affirmation, the picnic part is more for the kids. However, your spouse will feel very loved by all the kind words you wrote.
Tips: Throughout the week, thank and encourage them often. Be genuine about it, but try to remember how you acted when you first dated. At the time, you probably complimented them on all that they did and said. Even though they’ve committed to loving you forever, they would still like to know the things they do well in your marriage.
Quality Time: Have a Board Game Tournament
This is another love language that can be a challenge given the circumstances. Some people may still be encouraged by a phone or Zoom call, but they would most likely rather spend time in person with their loved ones. All they want is to spend time with you (and your children) free of distractions and negativity.
For your kid-friendly date night, I suggest you have a board game tournament. You can play a bunch of games, tally points of who wins each game, and have a prize for whoever reaches a certain number of points first. Or you can create a bracket where the parents play one game, the kids play another, and then the winning parent and winning child compete in a third game. Or you can have a less competitive version where the winner of the first game gets to pick a second game to play.
It will be fun for the kids and enjoyable for your spouse to spend time with the whole family.
Tips: Remove distractions when you are with them and get inquisitive. You don’t always have to ask deep questions. You could ask them what their favorite [fill in the blank] was as a kid or what they thought of the last movie they watched. Additionally, try to find activities you can do together rather than apart. Maybe you could start eating lunch together, reading the same book, or driving together as a family to do weekend errands.
Acts of Service: Cook a Nice Dinner
Those who receive love by acts of service love it when someone else takes something off their to-do list.
Whether or not you are the regular cook in the house, cooking a nice dinner would be appreciated by your partner. This could look like cooking your spouse’s favorite meal, making a steak dinner, or cooking something fun and out of the ordinary like a waffle bar for dinner. Your kids will not only enjoy the food but might like to help you cook or set the table as a special gift to their other parent.
Tips: Pick up chores that are normally “theirs” and offer your help regularly. Offer to go to the grocery store or clean the dishes; take out the trash or do a load of laundry before they can get to it.
Receiving Gifts: Plan a Scavenger Hunt
This is very adaptable. You can hide one gift or multiple, use clues or not, etc. The surprise could be food, a framed family picture, flowers, or something else you think they’d like.
Tell your spouse to keep their eyes peeled for a surprise. You can get your kids involved by having them pick the hiding place(s) or write the clues. Your spouse will love both the anticipation of finding the gift and the loving gesture of the gift itself.
Tips: Buying gifts regularly can get expensive, but gifts don’t always need a fancy purchase. Sending gifs, articles, or videos that remind you of your spouse are good ways to remind them that you care.
I hope these kid-friendly date night ideas are helpful or inspiring. As a disclaimer, one date or several dates might not make a quick fix, especially if mental illness is a part of your relationship. Mental illnesses can make it very difficult to receive the love being given. I hope you will not be discouraged by your pursuit of loving them. Remember that it is okay to ask for outside help to resolve marital issues or to distribute the responsibilities you have as a parent.
