Photo by Taylor Vick on Unsplash
Why me? I find myself asking this question a lot lately, among many other questions. In this post, I will be discussing my recent struggles with not feeling good enough, and how nature helps me cope with the stresses of college and life.
As thoughts of self-doubt invade my mind, the anger within me keeps intensifying. My therapist has challenged me to understand my anger this past week. She noted that anger is often a cover for a hidden emotion. I have been trying to reflect upon this and went without answers until I met an ant that came marching into my life.
On Wednesday of this past week, I had an extremely difficult day. I had to present a speech for my speech communications class first thing in the morning and was extremely anxious. Public speaking and anxiety do not go well together. I personally struggle with public speaking because my anxiety makes my mind go blank when I am presenting. I can practice all I want and still manage to forget the material.
Prior to the speech, I was able to calm myself down by using deep breathing and grounding techniques. I managed to make it through speaking without forgetting a single word despite my fear. Luckily, my former creative writing professor assigned us a final project that allowed me to transform the poem I recited into a song. As I performed my poem, I kept listening to the song version of it in my head. Music truly is a blessing in disguise!
I felt very proud of myself after I performed. I thought that I did amazingly well in comparison to my last speech. However, my professor thought differently, and I was not good enough. I felt defeated.
After being raised in a way that made me believe that nothing I did would ever be good enough, I have a very difficult time accepting criticism. I am a people-pleaser and I hate disappointing anyone. If someone offers any form of criticism, I immediately take it to heart and tear myself down. The criticism from my speech professor devastated me and I ended up retreating to the only place I knew to be safe: my university’s chapel.
I was having a breakdown in the chapel, asking God “Why am I not good enough? Why did you even put me in this world if I cannot do anything right?” I became angry with Him and everyone else, and then the question my counselor asked in my last therapy session came to mind: “What is causing your anger?” I realized that, after crying for a good hour, I am angry because I never seem to be good enough for anyone.
When I was younger, my father chose alcohol over me. My mother, on the other hand, chose herself over me as she controlled every aspect of my life for her benefit. I was never good enough to be saved by someone despite others knowing that I was being abused at home. They showed me that I was not enough and I eventually believed it. As I spent the many nights of my childhood longing for a hand to hold, I desired this same comfort in my recent moments in the chapel. God was silent until I ventured outside to spend time in nature.
As I was sitting on a picnic table bench, I saw a small ant. This ant kept marching on to the beat of his own rhythm. Nothing got in the way of his journey. He was kind enough to make me a part of his adventure. I was having a difficult time and it seemed like he knew that, because he came near the edge of the table where I was and ceased his movement several times. It felt like he was invading my space, but he knew what I needed, just like God did. He knew that I could not be alone at that moment. I asked God to provide me with a hand to hold during my time of darkness and he decided to send a single ant to march into my life. That ant just kept marching on, and he has inspired me to do the same.
