Photo by Ricky Turner on Unsplash
We never fully grow up. At least not in the way we’d like to believe. Within us, there is an eternal child that always has something to feel or say. The question is, is that voice being heard? Is its laughter and cries a mere whisper or a deafening roar? Perhaps you’ve noticed that sometimes when a tantrum is about to incite within you, it is from an origin that feels all too familiar and personal, yet unacknowledged and therefore distant. How can you fully understand and unlock this estranged part of yourself you’ve spent all of your life unknowingly trying to repress, fold into a briefcase, and drag along to your next grown-up meeting?
Commonly referred to as the inner child, this somewhat misplaced puzzle piece is actually an unconscious part of each person shaped during childhood that still begs for the space to be seen and heard. When it is healthy, we feel connected to its creativity, inspiration, and excitement. When it is wounded, we become disconnected from its invigorating qualities and are left feeling unhappy. Healing and reparenting the inner child is a journey, and it can become a lengthy process. However, the most important part about the healing journey is its commencement.
What is the Inner Child?
The inner child can be defined as the impressionable and vulnerable part of ourselves wounded and shaped throughout the earliest experiences and stages of our lives. The term inner child was originally coined by Carl Jung and recognized as an archetype or unconscious subpersonality. Its potential manifests through our behaviors and interactions with the external world. In our adulthood, some of these behaviors can stem from the trauma, pain, difficulty, and emotional and psychological neglect we experienced as children. Many of us try to protect ourselves from this suffering by burying these unresolved feelings and pain deep within our unconscious mind. Yet, they can return disguised as withdrawal, passive aggression, fear of abandonment, enabling, and much more. According to Thich Nha Hanh in his book Reconciliation – Healing the Inner Child, running away from our suffering doesn’t end it, it prolongs it.
Reparenting the inner child
The process of “reparenting” was first introduced by Dr. Lucia Capacchione in the 1970s through her art therapy. Reparenting the inner child focuses on making sure it feels the value, love, and protection it lacked during childhood. By working with your inner child, you can isolate and integrate a very essential part of your being. Because the inner child holds enormous power over our thoughts, decisions, and relationships, it is important to introduce it to new approaches that help lessen unruly reactions and promote reflective responses.
The practices below can be done when you begin your day, when it’s coming to a close, or when you find yourself feeling upset or in need of support. Consider doing inner-child exercises when you are feeling anxious, angry, scared, or disappointed. As you become more in touch with your inner child, you will be able to recognize the signs of wounds and how they manifest themselves. It is also encouraged to have a therapist or a counselor present for these exercises if you feel your inner child wounds are much too painful to face on your own and further require professional guidance.
Ways to Encourage Therapeutic Dialogue With Your Inner Child
Write letters to your inner child
One way to start a dialogue with your inner child is to write letters to yourself. Start by grabbing two sheets of paper and two envelopes if desired. These letters do not have to be sent—they are for you, and you only. A space to express, release, and heal. All of these roles will be taken on by you; the child and the adult; the student, the teacher, and the healer.
“Dear (Adult or specific figure in line)” Letter
The letters that go out to the adult version of yourself from your inner child should have zero boundaries. You can also address your letters to the people in your life who have called your inner child to the surface, such as a mother figure, a father figure, a close friend, or a significant other. If someone made you feel hurt, angry, or unloved, share your inner child’s side of the story. This is the space to release raw emotion without any fluff or decoration. As you write, keep in mind that you do not need to rationalize your inner child’s feelings. Set your inner child free and allow it to completely inhabit the page in front of you. No one is judging you in this letter, so let it all out.
Dear “Inner Child” Letter
In the letters that go out to your inner child, this is the moment to finely craft your words. Remember, you are talking to a child who will absorb your words and apply them consciously or subconsciously. This stage is all about reparenting your inner child, and providing it with the affection, validation, or support it may not have received at an earlier age.
Some guidance:
- You can start off by acknowledging your inner child’s suffering and pain so it feels both seen and heard. Always hold space for your inner child’s experience. Next, focus on clearing up any shame and guilt it carries by explaining the origin and cause of its feelings. Remind your inner child that the fault is not theirs to bear if certain needs were not always met as a child. As you bring up this past pain, assure things will be different now that you are here to protect, love, and help it grow and heal.
- You can also write about whether or not you have been doing enough to make your inner child feel loved or understood. Add how you will improve in this area and also share the lessons you have learned that could be of insight. When you communicate with your inner child, picture yourself bending down to speak at an eye-level, actively engaging in conversation. Channeling this kind of endearing energy through words will make your inner child feel more safe, important, and in control. At some point in your letter, remind your inner child that certain reactions that stem from its wounds can turn into reflective responses with your continued guidance.
- Thank your inner child for its vulnerability, its bravery, and its strength. Close by sharing your love for your inner child and reassure your loving presence in their life.
Communicate aloud with your inner child
In this exercise, you can either sit or stand in front of a mirror or sit comfortably without one. If using a mirror, directly speak with your reflection; asking questions and answering them freely without restraint. If you feel strained or upset, comfort your reflection. Speak words you would want to hear from someone you love. Speak words you never heard as a child but desperately needed to hear. Say exactly what your inner child needs to hear right now. Remember, you are reparenting your inner child. Soothe its spirit, so that yours can also find some kind of peace and resolve.
In addition, you can consider meditating to further communicate and connect with your inner child. Fortunately, there are many resources for guided meditations in the form of both audio and video that are available to you.
Journal as your inner child and as the parent/adult
For this exercise, consider using your nondominant hand to journal as the inner child and your dominant hand to journal as the adult. According to Dr. Lucia Cappachione’s The Power of Your Other Hand: A Course in Channeling the Inner Wisdom of the Right Brain, this technique provides access to the right side of the brain which has strong connections with our intuition and emotional expression.
Think of the nondominant hand as a child who is still learning to crawl or walk. It is unschooled, and has a fresh outlook on the world. With your nondominant hand, write what the inner child is feeling, and with your dominant hand, write what the inner child wants or needs to hear. With this distinct separation in dialogue, your mind will be able to associate the exercise as an actual conversation between two halves of yourself working together to heal and understand each other. Reparenting your inner child requires a dialogue filled with patience and understanding, so make sure to take your time with each response.
Speak through artistic or creative expression
Draw. Sing. Write. Dance. Play an instrument. What made your eyes light up when you were a child? What brought you inspiration, excitement, and release? Find an activity that pulls you into a creative space where you can get lost and also be found when you are ready. Let yourself communicate in a way that only you can understand and appreciate. By using art, dance, or music therapy, you can allow yourself to truly feel that mind-body connection. Your inner child will find its creativity and curiosity growing as it speaks a familiar language of movement, vibrations, and imagery.
Set playdates with your inner child
Allow yourself to engage in activities you enjoyed doing as a child. Watch your inner child come out to play, and make sure it’s not playing alone. Respond to its playfulness, and allow its lightheartedness, curiosity, and tenderness to react through you.
Consider making a list of all the shows, films, books, and activities you used to love as a child. For example, try re-watching some of the shows on your list or cracking open a book that pulls you into an entirely different world. Frolic in a field, visit an amusement park, or hit the batting cages. Similarly, maybe you could climb trees like a spider monkey or roll down hills like a snowball. It’s okay if it feels somewhat childish or silly. Don’t judge your inner child’s personal joys, as those joys have the potential to bring you closer to your own. When reparenting your inner child, let some fun in.
Start the healing process
With time, effort and continued guidance, reparenting your inner child can open up new doors in your healing journey. Years of life have passed, yet your inner child still eagerly awaits you to wrap it in the most loving embrace it has ever felt. An embrace that you have the power to create and sustain. It’s time to reintroduce yourself to the child within. Your healing starts now.
References:
Capacchione, L. (1988) The Power of Your Other Hand: A Course in Channeling the Inner Wisdom of the Right Brain. L Capacchione.
Capacchione, L. (1991). Recovery of your inner child. Simon & Schuster.
Davis, S. (2020). The Wounded Inner Child. Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Foundation. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/07/13/the-wounded-inner-child/.
Diamond, S. A. (2008). Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: The Inner Child. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-child.
Whitfield, C. L. (1986). Healing the child within: discovery and recovery for adult children, chemical dependent, co-dependent and mistreated or abused children and adults. C. Whitfield.
Hạnh Nhất. (2010). Reconciliation: healing the inner child. Parallax Press.
Community Series – Mental Health Book Club: What Happened to You? by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
