Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash
Am I Worth Fighting For?Â
As often as I put on a brave face, I am not okay. Every day, I live with the reality that I never experienced the love that every child deserves to experience. My childhood was my adulthood. I had to grow up fast to survive as I faced the horrors of abuse, neglect, and trauma.
Why Can’t I Live Rather Than Survive?Â
I was the parent, not the child. I long to be the child as I age into this adult life. Most importantly, I long for the safe and unconditional love that only parents can provide, particularly a mother’s love. This pain is immense and is the reason I am broken. If people saw me as a child who was worth fighting for, then maybe I would be living now rather than surviving.
Why Did You Not Fight For Me?Â
My whole life, I have grown up believing that I was not worth fighting for. Year after year, people would fail to protect me from the ongoing abuse and neglect I was facing. My extended family and teachers would commonly point out how reserved and timid I was around others. They failed to notice that this was one consequence of the horrors I endured. Other times, I would use writing as a tool to let my teachers know what was going on. They always made matters worse by calling my parents about the essays I had written which depicted them as witches.
Don’t I Deserve A Home?Â
When I finally found the courage to use my spoken voice, I told a teacher I trusted about what was going on at home. I finally thought I would be saved from the hell I was living after sixteen years of it, but when DCFS got involved, they failed me too. At that time, I was hospitalized for active suicidal ideation and when the DCFS caseworker heard my truth, she told me it was my depression talking. After that, I lost all hope that maybe someone would finally see me worth fighting for, and because of this hopelessness that became the story of my life, by the time I turned 20 this past June, I attempted suicide more than fifteen times. All I ever wanted was to be loved like a daughter by someone. To this day, finding my “home” is what matters most to me.
Do You See Us Worth Fighting For?Â
Asking to be loved by someone does not seem like a large request, especially since there are so many people in this world. We all crave love, yet most of us survivors of abuse, neglect, and trauma go without the love that often matters the most. This love is parental love. When a child is deprived of this unconditional and safe love, life becomes so difficult to live. Most of us only end up surviving, and this is an unfortunate reality that is preventable if we take the time to sincerely care for our world’s children. All we need to do is reach out our hand and fight for them when they cannot fight for themselves. They deserve to know that they are worth fighting for because they are worth fighting for. Fight for them today and every day.
Community Series – Mental Health Book Club: What Happened to You? by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
This is much like my story. I have had many of the same questions and feelings that you discussed here. It was a long road… but I feel I’ve gotten to acceptance. I found it eye opening one day to be told to look at my parents .. my abusers… as humans. Not mom, not dad. Humans. Humans with underlying issues, perhaps mental health or lack of education/training. Humans that cry. Laugh. Live and die.