Growing up, my swim coach always said, “Become comfortable with being uncomfortable.” It’s a phrase, for me, that has translated beyond the pool and into my everyday life. Recently, for me, that phrase has gone hand in hand with saying no. Life throws so many choices, decisions, options, and opportunities at you and it can feel blurry to navigate how to move forward in the best way. Sometimes, it can feel easy to say yes on the spur of the moment. It can feel hard to say no and oppose someone, something or yourself.
Saying no can be extremely uncomfortable. For me, I can feel ashamed or guilty when I turn down an invitation or decide not to attend a commitment. This past weekend, I flew to my father’s house to help him pack up the 11 years of our lives that we spent in that house because he is moving. My traveling experience via United Airlines to my hometown was a disaster and I felt too off to dress up and go out to dinner. It would bring me more stress and make me anxious, as silly as that sounds–to simply go out to dinner with my father. But, I said no. I felt guilty, as it was my last weekend in that house, in that town I grew up in, at that place we frequented but I knew it was best for me.
I have been learning to start saying no to myself and it has taken a lot of practice. I am a runner and we recently had a snowstorm in Boston. I woke up before 5 a.m. to grind out 10 miles in the blizzard before work with my ear warmers, gloves, headlamp and wool socks pulled up over my leggings. I didn’t pass a single person on that run, it seemed I was the only one in the city. I got to mile 8 and I said no. I was struggling, the snow was scraping my eyeballs and my mile pace kept getting slower with the wind. After I surrendered my run and stopped to start my cool-down walk, back to my apartment, I realized that I had been conditioned to learn that saying “no” or any form of quitting meant that I was weak. In reality, it doesn’t mean that I am weak. It actually means I am strong and I have the ability to do what is best for my well-being.
I have been in an unstable job situation. I’m currently in a job position that I know isn’t best for me. I impulsively accepted the offer since the offer was given to me, in person, on the spot. At that moment, I was uncomfortable and I succumbed to that discomfort. I’m ending my 4th week at this job and have been actively interviewing at other places since I started. I narrowed my job search towards two different positions that are completely different. One position is exciting and fun. It involves events, planning guest speakers, being creative and very organized. I know I would love it. But it’s not a great commute. The position is paid hourly with little benefits, meaning no health insurance, and it’s not easy for me to get to my psychiatrist and therapist from the location. The other job is a more corporate setting including a salary with necessary and extra benefits, on the transit line that takes me straight to my care team and my apartment. The corporate job will be boring but it won’t be as strenuous on my mental health as event planning can become overwhelming and anxiety provoking for me–I am a neurotic event planner of my own life! If only I could sync you into my iCal!
So, I accepted the job offer that is not creative and not overly stimulating but is safe for my health. I had to say no to my impulse and say no to my more relenting side because, in the long run, I will need Personal Time Off (PTO), I will need health insurance and I will need the security of knowing I have a job if I end up ill and in the hospital again. This was a hard decision. I made a list of pros and cons. I talked it out with many people. I talked it out with my mom and my mom ultimately said, I think you made your decision, after describing the corporate position and how much more stable I will feel. It was hard for me to say no to the other position, as I was so excited in the interview and I felt great for the future I could have in that role. The ideas were flowing as I left the building as to what I could contribute. But, I said no.
Saying no is uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable to decline a dinner with friends because it will run late, there will be alcohol and it’s been a long week and sleep is so important. It’s uncomfortable to decline a vacation when traveling can throw off routine and it’s not always worth it to have to catch up on things upon return.
I’m still learning to deal and sit with the discomfort. It’s hard and I’m learning to put my health and myself first. Each time I say no, it becomes easier. I remind myself that I have my own priorities, values, and needs. I have to draw boundaries in all settings to protect myself and feel stable and safe. Having a mental illness can make decisions hard to navigate and it can make it easy to fall into impulses but in the long run, saying no can be a godsend.
