Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
Looking For Acceptance
Some things seem to understand me just as people do.
We have a longing to be understood in this world. We want to feel like we belong somewhere, if not everywhere. Most of our behaviors reflect our desire to “be at home.” We long for someone to care us and to notice our pain. We all need that someone, or in this case, that something.
As I started my sophomore year of college two weeks ago, I lost myself. Even a month prior to starting school, my anxiety and depression were already associating a negative outcome with school. I felt inadequate and incapable both as a person and as a student. To make matters even worse, I already started to receive homework and meeting notifications when school was not even in session. The chaos of the semester hit early, just as the chaos of my mind had.
I have now made it to the third week of this semester and still feel as if I am not at my best mentally. I keep comparing myself (where I am at now) to myself last year (where I was then). I felt so much happier last year. This year I feel invisible most of the time. I seem to be visible only when I’m doing something wrong. It is a hard thing to experience – being both visible and invisible.
Finding Peace With Light
As we often do during times of difficulty, I sought answers. My faith has always been my strength in times of darkness, so naturally I retreated to my university’s chapel to spend some time with God. I attended daily mass last Friday in search of answers and God gave me a candle. At least He has a sense of humor.
The candle came into my sight while I was thinking about all the tasks I had to accomplish before the end of the week. My mind slowly shifted from my worries onto the candle’s appearance. The flame that burned drew me in most of all. I noticed how it could not sit still just as I had not been able to over these past few weeks. I started to think that maybe this candle was symbolic of me. Maybe this candle was someone who needed a friend just like I did. I decided to be his someone.
At times of excessive panic and worry, we all need someone to help us start again. As a candle has the chance to start anew every time he or she is blown out and lit again, we too have the opportunity each and every day. And the best part about having a candle as a friend is being able to look to him whenever you need a gentle reminder to be kind to yourself. I am forever grateful for the candle that God gave me, a friend who is now so dear to me.
Where there is light, a candle awaits. Embrace him willingly, as He has embraced you.
