Photo by Andreea-Maria Juganaru on Unsplash
The Dream That Lives Within Me
I grew up thinking that something was wrong with me and I could not understand why I was different from my peers. I was shy and wiser than my age, but these qualities are not what made me stand out. Instead, a dream that no one else seemed to have did. This dream has always been to be adopted by someone. This dream still lives within me today.
This Dream Is My Secret
This dream has been something I have addressed with a special few people before, but nothing ever came out of it other than invalidation. My dream of being adopted by someone has always been my biggest secret. I always felt ashamed quietly wishing for different parents. I could not understand what was wrong with me that made me dislike my parents so much. At the time, I thought I was living the life any child endured. Now I see that this is not the case. I now recognize that my life has been filled with trauma, abuse and hardship.
The Dream That Lives Within Me Lives On
Carrying this secret around for years has been extremely difficult. Being invalidated when expressing this dream of mine to others, however, has been the hardest part. Therapists, caseworkers, and social workers have all asked me what I need to feel better. I would hold off telling them my biggest secret out of fear of invalidation, but would end up facing my fear by expressing my needs openly in hopes of getting the help I needed. They would ask me my needs and I would tell them my most important need, but then they labeled this need as unrealistic and stated that I needed to let it go. I tried to take their advice and let it go, I really did. Despite my tries, the dream to be adopted by someone still lives on within me. No matter how hard I try, it is just not going to go away.
The Dream That Burns
I know that others do not understand this dream of mine. I know that I seem crazy but this is my reality. If you lived the life I have, you would have this dream too. Every child and adult deserves to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Humans, no matter what age, should not have to be alone. This dream, although crazy to others, has kept me alive all these years.
I would not have survived the trauma I have lived through without having a light to look forward to at the end of the tunnel (my dream of being adopted by someone was the light for me). This dream was the fire that burned within me all these years and still continues to burn today. People cannot expect me to give up something that has kept me alive through hell, even if it seems like it is the “normal” or “correct” thing to do. I am the only one who knows what I need, because I have lived what I have gone through. Telling someone to give up on their dreams, even if they seem unrealistic or absurd, is the worst form of invalidation. It has left me feeling defeated. Despite this feeling, the dream continues to live within me.
The Dream That Lives Within Me Seeks Home
For my entire life, I have been searching for “home.” This longing for safety, security, and love is a natural need. Daughters of narcissistic mothers, like myself, often live confusing and broken lives. They long to feel safe and spend their entire life searching for their “home.” We all deserve a home and a mother that will walk with us through life. Daughters need their mothers. Why should daughters of narcissistic mothers go without these nurturing experiences that a mother provides a child? Society expects us to nurture ourselves as adults, but we all know that nurturing is not an individual process. We are all born with a mother for a reason, whether she is a good role model or not. Humans do not deserve to be alone. We are social beings who need and deserve love. Where does this leave daughters of narcissistic mothers?
Stop Invalidating The Dream That Lives Within Me
My dream lives on despite the invalidation I receive for it. This dream is not going away. It is something that matters to me. It has always mattered. No one else can determine what matters to me other than me. You might not understand it, but that is okay. It is not your job to understand me. Your job is to be you. We all need to stay true to who we are, especially if our dreams stand out. My story isn’t over yet and I am not going to let someone else write my story. My past does not define me, but my future will. I am choosing to live my life for me. I hope you choose to do the same.
