Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash
The air feels frigid when my uncle walks into the room. He’s cold and mean. He has a special way of saying just the right thing to make you doubt everything about yourself. I want to hide in my bedroom for a week after seeing him for an hour.
My uncle tends to have toxic relationships — especially with family members. Thankfully, I’ve recognized his negative traits and I’ve developed strategies for coping with his actions. Now it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
A large part of self-care is identifying and learning how to deal with the people who cause you chronic stress. So how do you know if someone in your family is toxic?
In a healthy household, you should be encouraged to share your own thoughts and feelings. But when you’re engaged with a toxic family member, they may ignore your emotions or even give you the silent treatment. Some unhealthy adults will slip insults about appearance or physical health into much of what they say, leaving you filled with doubt and self-loathing.
Toxic family members are often controlling and will try to dominate your choices. They will make decisions for you or limit your options, such as forcing you to eat foods that you hate over and over again. Family can also maintain control through gossip. If most of the family knows about the worst blind date of your life before you even get home, you’re likely being emotionally controlled.
Also, if you notice that almost every interaction with someone ends up in a confrontation, that person is probably exhibiting toxic traits. Arguments are normal, but you should not be fighting with someone every time you talk to them.
Most importantly, physical harm is a clear sign that you need to immediately get away from a family member. Do not try to learn how to handle violence. If you are ever harmed, you should immediately leave and get help.
There are many more ways for toxic family members to cause you harm. But if you’re feeling drained from interacting with them, it’s time to start learning how to cope.
1. Have Courage
Before taking action, pull out every bit of bravery you have within yourself. Confronting someone about something that bothers you is scary, but challenging your family is terrifying. That’s why preparing yourself is critical to follow through with these strategies.
Remember what you’re about to do is essential to taking care of yourself. Developing coping strategies is also the best chance you have at saving your relationship with your family member.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
It’s important to set both physical and emotional boundaries. This allows you to take a break from the troubling family member and it helps limit the impact they can have.
You can ask them to knock on your bedroom door from now on. Place a lock or chair in front of the door to ensure they respect your request. To set emotional boundaries, you need to be vocal about your needs. If they continuously bring up one of your insecurities, such as physical appearance, ask them to stop talking about it. Leave the room or change the subject if they continue to do so. This displays your determination by showing your family that you’ll refuse to talk with them if they continue crossing your boundary.
3. Use Questions to Make Them Aware of Their Behavior
Sometimes toxic people are unaware of how their words and actions hurt others. You can use questions to subtly point out the negative aspects of their behavior. This inquisitiveness will force your family member to confront the impact of their actions.
Try asking questions like “Do you know that you’re hurting my feelings?” or “Do you think your criticism helps make the situation better?”
You can also use this method to avoid answering their critical and demeaning questions. Instead of providing an answer, ask another question to divert the conversation away from the topic that bothers you.
4. Minimize Contact/Sever Ties
Unfortunately, salvaging toxic relationships is sometimes impossible. If you’ve tried to solve the situation and it only resulted in even worse confrontations or ridicule, you should consider severing contact with that person. Cutting ties is scary and hard to do. But if you want to create a happier life for yourself, this could be a solution.
Take steps to move out of your shared living space and stop committing to spend time with that person. Don’t respond to every call or text from them immediately. If you can’t or don’t want to entirely cut contact, try minimizing the amount of time you spend together. Oftentimes limiting contact can relieve tension and actually create a better relationship. Regardless, spending less time with a toxic family member will definitely relieve stress from your life.
5. Build a Healthy Support System
No matter which methods you use to confront your toxic relationship, make sure you have a strong support system of outside friends or family. Dealing with someone else’s negativity is stressful. You should have at least one person you can turn to for advice without fearing negative feedback from them.
6. Stay Level-headed and Let Go of What You Can’t Change
Finally, keep calm as much as you can. Becoming aggravated will only feed the tension between you and the other person, causing more hostile interactions. It won’t bring about a solution. Focus on taking care of yourself and remove yourself from the situation whenever you need to calm yourself again.
More importantly, let go of what you can’t change about your situation. Some people are stuck in their behavior patterns and there is no method to help you improve your relationship with them. While this is a sad fact to face, it can help you move on to create a happier life. Don’t continue pouring effort into your family member if they refuse to work with you. Instead, focus your energy on people who do care for your well-being and fill your time with them
