Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
The Family Secret
For the longest time, I have been afraid to share my story. It has always been this big secret that no one could ever know. There are two sides to every story, but mine has not been validated. I am not silencing my voice anymore. The truth needs to come out. I deserve to heal. This will hopefully be my way of doing so.
My Hidden Truth
My truth is that so far I have had a really tough journey living with mental illness throughout my 19 years of life. Living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD have been far from easy. The number of times I have been hospitalized for suicide attempts or suicidal ideation has been endless, and even after years of therapy and medication changes, winning the battle seems so out of reach for me. Feeling safe is something that I have longed for my entire life, yet I still struggle to experience that feeling even though I am trying my best to take better care of myself. I want to win the war, but I often question if I ever can. Trauma has that effect on a person, unfortunately.
The Hidden Truth
Although I had parents, I never really did. I always used to describe my father as absent but present and my mother as present but absent. My father was an abusive alcoholic, although he never abused me physically (only my mother), and my mother has been unstable (a narcissist) and emotionally/verbally abusive her entire life. She might not have ever hit me, but her words and actions always killed me inside. I was able to handle not having a father, but I needed my mother, just as any little girl does.
For my entire life, I have been longing for a family to call my own, parents to love and cherish, and the chance to be the daughter I have always dreamed of being. I wish my trauma does not define me, but it does. This is something I need to accept despite it being difficult.
The Hidden Light
In the end, my trauma may define me, but it does not have to be a negative thing. My story has been far from easy, but now that I have survived some of the most difficult chapters of it, I can honestly say that it fuels my strength. I might not be able to change my past, but I can use my past to change the future — not only my future but the future of others.
Using my story to help others has always been a dream of mine, and I plan to keep fighting to change the world one word at a time. I am a writer, after all, and any good writer needs a story to tell. I might as well put mine to good use despite the pain it has brought me. Hopefully, I will finally be able to say that I made it one day by doing so. Until then, I need to survive until I can finally live. It may seem hopeless, but the fight is worth it. Do not give up, because you are worth it.
