Vincent van Gogh – Self-Portrait, who was thought to have suffered from Bipolar Disorder.
Happy Day to us, living with Bipolar Disorder! Today is the day to celebrate those of us who fight, strive, struggle, thrive, last and live through each and every day, no matter how hard and no matter how difficult these days may be.
I remember writing a post to celebrate and acknowledge this day in 2017 on my personal blog. I remember walking to the t[rain] and heading off to my former legal firm for a day’s work. I was in such a different place. I was on a different medication routine. I was on a different exercise routine. I didn’t have a regular therapist. I had different friends that I communicated with regularly. I was in the worst stage of my anorexia. I went back to my hometown more frequently because I was so dependent on my parents and I didn’t know how to feel safe anymore.
I woke up this morning after laying in bed all day yesterday with a stomach virus and my right shin acting up from too much running. The previous night I laid on the ground by my toilet and as I was getting sick, I cried. I didn’t know what to do because I felt alone. This morning, I really didn’t feel too great about today. I saw an overdraft fee in my one of my checking accounts, went to the bank to try and get it reversed and they said no. I wasn’t sure if I was going to shower. I reluctantly pulled out my old air-casted boot and put it on my right leg so I didn’t further my physical pain, delaying races I had excitingly signed up for post foot fracture. I didn’t know what this day had for me, but I didn’t feel good about it.
When I got the email from BP Magazine saying it was World Bipolar Day, it made me remember how far I have come since this special holiday last year. It hasn’t been easy and I’ve learned a lot. I went through a hospitalization. I went through a few jobs. I fractured my foot. I have been very up and very down. I still go through that. I will for the rest of my life. But I’ve overcome so much within 365 days.
Today, I write this post with so much hope and so much gratitude for everyone who has helped me to get to this point in my life. And I write this post to be there for others, who need strength, need to feel not alone and have been in a bad place, once or countless times. You are not alone. And there is always help. You will feel and be better and no feeling will last forever.
I’ve realized my problem with my addictive personality whether it be with exercise, shopping, alcohol, controlling my food intake, or just plain being impulsive. I’ve made Boston my home and I don’t like to stray too far from where I have cultivated and created this safe space for myself. I’ve created an amazing relationship with my current therapist and psychiatrist, two care providers that I sought out on my own, no help from my parents, social workers or hospitals. I’ve learned which friends I can count on, who can listen to my story and which friends are just my friends to keep me company at the end of the day and not take things seriously. I know how to pick my battles better and which battles to let go of. And the list could go on
Mostly, thank you to Step Up For Mental Health, the organization that allows me to share my voice through my blog posts to the mental health world. Thank you to WordPress, the community I have through my personal blog. Thank you, Boston, the city that has given me a place to call home. Thank you to my community at SoulCycle that brings me up when I feel down and need the motivation. Thank you to my body that has allowed me to recover when I neglected its needs and it has still allowed me to drive it into the ground with exercise (in a healthier way). Thank you to my psychiatrist, therapist, in-patient and out-patient facilities that have kept me safe and brought me back to wellness. Thank you to my family, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, my city for making me feel like I’m worthy of love, respect, confidence, and stability.
I’m so thankful. No one asks for this illness. But we’re all in it together. We have each other’s back and we’re all fighters. Let’s break the stigma. Happy World Bipolar Day!
